"See that girl over there?", Billy asked the aide. The one in the red shirt making all that noise with her feet. "What is she doing?" the aide replied. Billy shrugged, probably something at home or last period or whatever, he thought. Billy went over to her desk. Got in her space to see if that would work. Nope. She was still banging on the floor with her feet. Billy told her to stop. She looked up and did. "Try to do your work. You need any help?" No response, so Billy walked to the front of the room and sat down. He watched over the kids working. How much longer to the period? he looked at his watch. Some kids didn't realize what they were doing. they just needed a reminder that they were in class. At least this one did. Each kid was different. What worked for one kid, didn't for the other. They got so screwed up and there wasn't a clue, specially when he was substitute teacher and didn't know them. He just had to watch them and keep them calm. Breathe, he told himself and calm yourself down too. What ever it was, would pass too. Like when he worked out too hard and hurt himself, then started to panic that he did irrevocable damage to his back. And then the chatter in his head would spiral out of control and he would lose awareness of thinking. He would shoot from one thought to the other and just get more panicky.
He'd take a clonazapam to calm down, with two ibuprofen and lots of water. He'd ask himself why it felt like he was punishing himself by working out so hard. It was the result. The feeling good afterwards. He'd get on a roll and forget the past incidents of pain that would repeat itself.
He had to take a break, two days at least. But what would he do instead? It was becoming an obsession. He would walk if he could, outside or in. Go slow. But that hardy worked; he wondered if he wanted to hurt himself. Some anxiety he was struggling with? The workout stopped the anxiety, but the hurt really brought it on. It was a puzzle. Think rationally this to will pass.
Monday, December 8, 2014
Saturday, December 6, 2014
Take A Break
Billy has a headache. Must be the end of the world since it was raining all day and his plans to be outside had changed. An altogether rotten day because he was now stuck for something to do. Billy thought he must be rotten too, unable to do anything productive. He was starting to feel miserable and depressed. Why?
Misconceptions, assuming, inferring, guessing, supposing, interpreting, projecting, speculating, deducing, extrapolating, presuming, conjecturing, attributing, hypothesizing, divining and reading between the lines.
Living in an imperfect world insisting that things ought to go smoothly, that mishap must not occur, that the sun must always shine, and that the people in our lives need to behave, as we have told them to? Billy knew this was irrational. Just the same, he felt that he needed an answer to why he felt so shitty and this too, was also making him feel miserable.
Finally, he realized it was just a lack of imagination, about the present and too much imagination about the past. Allowing himself to feel useless and personalize a rainy day, when in fact, it was simply raining was extrapolation and reading between the lines.
Therefore, it was time to take a break from the mental diarrhea and begin to do some writing.
Misconceptions, assuming, inferring, guessing, supposing, interpreting, projecting, speculating, deducing, extrapolating, presuming, conjecturing, attributing, hypothesizing, divining and reading between the lines.
Living in an imperfect world insisting that things ought to go smoothly, that mishap must not occur, that the sun must always shine, and that the people in our lives need to behave, as we have told them to? Billy knew this was irrational. Just the same, he felt that he needed an answer to why he felt so shitty and this too, was also making him feel miserable.
Finally, he realized it was just a lack of imagination, about the present and too much imagination about the past. Allowing himself to feel useless and personalize a rainy day, when in fact, it was simply raining was extrapolation and reading between the lines.
Therefore, it was time to take a break from the mental diarrhea and begin to do some writing.
Friday, December 5, 2014
Birches
Into the woods. Freshly fallen
snow. Stillness and quiet. A bird swoops down and away.
Look and then it's gone. Hear the wind rustling the branches, cold on the skin. Fresh scent of snow blended with decaying leaves.
Clear awareness, thoughtless moment.
The world slowed down. The pause between breaths.
Ever so slightly life is changing moment to moment.
At the extreme of the earth's axis is the pause.
See the contrast, smell it, feel it and taste it.
Do not move.
Wednesday, December 3, 2014
A Bad Work Day and a Bad Back
When Billy got up, he noticed his jaw was tight and ached. Stress? Something he did last evening? The dentist had told him at his last visit that he was grinding his teeth. He held up a mirror and showed Billy by running his dental hook on the flat surfaces of his molars. This image then led to worry about his back that felt like it was spasming. This freaked him out more and he began to panic. Rapid awful thoughts and images of being bedridden in pain ran through his head; he wasn't even conscious of where they came from. It was irrational or perhaps hysterical would better describe it, because he wasn't in spasm or bedridden. It was his thinking that made him panic about what could happen. The only way to relieve it besides a tranquilizer or a drink, which he was against, was to acknowledge these feelings, observe and dispute their logic.
He stressed about so many things that translated into muscle and jaw pain that Billy knew it was a habit. He also knew he had gotten through this before and was determined to again. Yes, he was disappointed that his thoughts were so negative and his beliefs about them were irrational. Yes, he was in pain and sinking fast into a bad mood, but he could snap out of it by questioning these images. Disputing them as ordinary events of working these past two days at school; lots of standing and sitting and disappointed that it wasn't teaching. It wasn't that awful, just frustrating not to be teaching. Accept that and it didn't seem so bad. It still sucked, but it wasn't the end of the world and he didn't need a pill or drink to calm down. When things didn't go accordingly and were out of his control he felt awful and like a worm because he had gotten himself into this by his own actions. If his self-esteem was so poor that he accepted every outside event as directly caused by him he was greatly mistaken. The school needed subs and sometimes subs just did hall patrol and cafeteria duty. He learned that he did have a choice by accepting only teaching jobs, not "supplemental" jobs. Even so, anything could happen once at the school and he had to accept that or run afoul again. He had a choice. He certainly wasn't a fool. He had the choice not to beat himself up, if it didn't meet his expectations. It was how he interpreted unfolding events.
It was self-defeating and ultimately taking the joy out of living. If things didn't work out, Billy would try to think rationally and steel himself for all eventualities. The horrible thoughts are not the horrible me, he thought, they are just thoughts.....good and bad. How fascinating it could be, instead of how awful it seemed, Billy thought, was a much superior strategy.
He stressed about so many things that translated into muscle and jaw pain that Billy knew it was a habit. He also knew he had gotten through this before and was determined to again. Yes, he was disappointed that his thoughts were so negative and his beliefs about them were irrational. Yes, he was in pain and sinking fast into a bad mood, but he could snap out of it by questioning these images. Disputing them as ordinary events of working these past two days at school; lots of standing and sitting and disappointed that it wasn't teaching. It wasn't that awful, just frustrating not to be teaching. Accept that and it didn't seem so bad. It still sucked, but it wasn't the end of the world and he didn't need a pill or drink to calm down. When things didn't go accordingly and were out of his control he felt awful and like a worm because he had gotten himself into this by his own actions. If his self-esteem was so poor that he accepted every outside event as directly caused by him he was greatly mistaken. The school needed subs and sometimes subs just did hall patrol and cafeteria duty. He learned that he did have a choice by accepting only teaching jobs, not "supplemental" jobs. Even so, anything could happen once at the school and he had to accept that or run afoul again. He had a choice. He certainly wasn't a fool. He had the choice not to beat himself up, if it didn't meet his expectations. It was how he interpreted unfolding events.
It was self-defeating and ultimately taking the joy out of living. If things didn't work out, Billy would try to think rationally and steel himself for all eventualities. The horrible thoughts are not the horrible me, he thought, they are just thoughts.....good and bad. How fascinating it could be, instead of how awful it seemed, Billy thought, was a much superior strategy.
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