The Puzzle

"See that girl over there?", Billy asked the aide. The one in the red shirt making all that noise with her feet. "What is she doing?" the aide replied. Billy shrugged, probably something at home or last period or whatever, he thought. Billy went over to her desk. Got in her space to see if that would work. Nope. She was still banging on the floor with her feet. Billy told her to stop. She looked up and did. "Try to do your work. You need any help?" No response, so Billy walked to the front of the room and sat down. He watched over the kids working. How much longer to the period? he looked at his watch. Some kids didn't realize what they were doing. they just needed a reminder that they were in class. At least this one did. Each kid was different. What worked for one kid, didn't for the other. They got so screwed up and there wasn't a clue, specially when he was substitute teacher and didn't know them. He just had to watch them and keep them calm. Breathe, he told himself and calm yourself down too. What ever it was, would pass too. Like when he worked out too hard and hurt himself, then started to panic that he did irrevocable damage to his back. And then the chatter in his head would spiral out of control and he would lose awareness of thinking. He would shoot from one thought to the other and just get more panicky.

He'd take a clonazapam to calm down, with two ibuprofen and lots of water. He'd ask himself why it felt like he was punishing himself by working out so hard. It was the result. The feeling good afterwards. He'd get on a roll and forget the past incidents of pain that would repeat itself.

He had to take a break, two days at least. But what would he do instead? It was becoming an obsession. He would walk if he could, outside or in. Go slow. But that hardy worked; he wondered if he wanted to hurt himself. Some anxiety he was struggling with? The workout stopped the anxiety, but the hurt really brought it on. It was a puzzle. Think rationally this to will pass.

Take A Break

Billy has a headache. Must be the end of the world since it was raining all day and his plans to be outside had changed. An altogether rotten day because he was now stuck for something to do. Billy thought he must be rotten too, unable to do anything productive. He was starting to feel miserable and depressed. Why?

Misconceptions, assuming, inferring, guessing, supposing, interpreting, projecting, speculating, deducing, extrapolating, presuming, conjecturing, attributing, hypothesizing, divining and reading between the lines.

Living in an imperfect world insisting that things ought to go smoothly, that mishap must not occur, that the sun must always shine, and that the people in our lives need to behave, as we have told them to?  Billy knew this was irrational. Just the same, he felt that he needed an answer to why he felt so shitty and this too, was also making him feel miserable.

Finally, he realized it was just a lack of imagination, about the present and too much imagination about the past. Allowing himself to feel useless and personalize a rainy day, when in fact, it was simply raining was extrapolation and reading between the lines.

Therefore, it was time to take a break from the mental diarrhea and begin to do some writing.

Birches

   

Into the woods.  Freshly fallen

    snow. Stillness and quiet. A bird swoops down and away.

Look and then it's gone. Hear the wind rustling the branches, cold on the skin. Fresh scent of snow blended with decaying leaves.

Clear awareness, thoughtless moment.

The world slowed down. The pause between breaths.

Ever so slightly life is changing moment to moment.

At the extreme of the earth's axis is the pause. 

See the contrast, smell it, feel it and taste it.

Do not move.

A Bad Work Day and a Bad Back

When Billy got up, he noticed his jaw was tight and ached. Stress? Something he did last evening? The dentist had told him at his last visit that he was grinding his teeth. He held up a mirror and showed Billy by running his dental hook on the flat surfaces of his molars. This image then led to worry about his back that felt like it was spasming. This freaked him out more and he began to panic. Rapid awful thoughts and images of being bedridden in pain ran through his head; he wasn't even conscious of where they came from. It was irrational or perhaps hysterical would better describe it, because he wasn't in spasm or bedridden. It was his thinking that made him panic about what could happen. The only way to relieve it besides a tranquilizer or a drink, which he was against, was to acknowledge these feelings, observe and dispute their logic.

He stressed about so many things that translated into muscle and jaw pain that Billy knew it was a habit. He also knew he had gotten through this before and was determined to again. Yes, he was disappointed that his thoughts were so negative and his beliefs about them were irrational. Yes, he was in pain and sinking fast into a bad mood, but he could snap out of it by questioning these images. Disputing them as ordinary events of working these past two days at school; lots of standing and sitting and disappointed that it wasn't teaching. It wasn't that awful, just frustrating not to be teaching. Accept that and it didn't seem so bad. It still sucked, but it wasn't the end of the world and he didn't need a pill or drink to calm down. When things didn't go accordingly and were out of his control he felt awful and like a worm because he had gotten himself into this by his own actions. If his self-esteem was so poor that he accepted every outside event as directly caused by him he was greatly mistaken. The school needed subs and sometimes subs just did hall patrol and cafeteria duty. He learned that he did have a choice by accepting only teaching jobs, not "supplemental" jobs. Even so, anything could happen once at the school and he had to accept that or run afoul again. He had a choice. He certainly wasn't a fool. He had the choice not to beat himself up, if it didn't meet his expectations. It was how he interpreted unfolding events.

It was self-defeating and ultimately taking the joy out of living. If things didn't work out, Billy would try to think rationally and steel himself for all eventualities. The horrible thoughts are not the horrible me, he thought, they are just thoughts.....good and bad. How fascinating it could be, instead of how awful it seemed, Billy thought, was a much superior strategy.

Performing Daily Activities

Billy was alone and doing the wash. "Don't forget to put the washing machine on Gentle Cycle", a thought statement automatically appearing every time he did the wash for the last 14 years. His wife usually added after that, "you should be lucky because most husbands don't have a wife who did their laundry including folding your underwear". It was beyond micro-management. As if he hadn't done laundry for forty years or lived out of the laundry basket. It was frustrating.

Billy was thinking there must be a way not to get so disturbed by the nitpicking, as domesticity was her God given domain and men needed to be told every fucking time they ventured to wash a dish, vacuum the rug, close the refrigerator, make a bed or boil some water. That was her craziness. Billy was wondering if all wives had to similarly instruct their husbands. However, if he was hanging a picture or changing a tire she would be mute on the subject. Which proved that it was her problem. He preferred otherwise but it wasn't going to happen, so why get upset?

Would the world end if Billy washed the clothes on Brights and dried on High heat by accident? Maybe that t-shirt would fit snugly next time, but we'd still have clean clothes to wear.

Billy was displeased and disappointed. He'd just had to find other things to enjoy. The wash was insignificant.

Thanksgiving Peeler

Peeling potatoes for Thanksgiving dinner. So many, Billy sighed. Breathing in, breathing out, peeling up, peeling down and watch those fingers too, he thought. Let's not repeat last years excitement of spilled blood all over the kitchen counter and floor. Then the trip to the hospital for seven stitches on his thumb from slicing onions. 

Stay focused that was the key. Pay attention and the knife won't slip.  Food for thought, stomach and soul, Billy said to himself. He was mindfully aware of peeling. Letting other thoughts come and go such as making a gin and tonic, or anticipating the inevitable stupid conversations from family seen mostly at funerals, weddings and holidays. So he kept on peeling and prepping for the chef. His wife, who would make the mashed potatoes. An accomplishment that will, no doubt, feel good and taste great

I won't go hungry either. It was as much for the soul as the stomach. The metaphor of peeling under the skin of meaning wasn't lost on Billy. There was a deep satisfaction from making some thing that was also calming. Simply paying attention to this simple task. 

It was also Thanksgiving. Peel it back and giving thanks for everything this past year. As bad as it was, and it was pretty bad at times, it could have been much worse. A cliche, but nevertheless true, Billy thought.

Then have the drink. Sit at the table with food on everyone's plate along with some stupid and not so stupid conversation was something to be thankful for.

Right here, right now. Happy Thanksgiving.

The Big Disappointment

Billy woke to sounds of plastic beating in the wind outside his window. The workman left it to cover the brick work that had yet to be finished. The ring of tape around the windowsill didn't hold and he wondered how much rain water would get in. He'd need a stick to lean out the window on the 8th floor and try and secure it but he thought not.

It used to be he was gung-ho to fix up other peoples sloppy work. Not today, he thought. Must be a paradigm shift. Was he slightly depressed at the thought of living in this run-down apartment and that he had no control over the slow decay? Generally speaking living at The Gentry Apartments had been frustrating. Screw it, he thought. The building was poorly constructed. It needed new windows, insulation, waterproofing, a new roof and new elevators. Owners were unwilling to pay so he resigned himself to the status quo. Not depression he ruminated. If he recognized the futility of wishing things could be different then that didn't qualify as depression. Yet if he didn't engage himself in some thing it would be.

Besides, his stomach hurt from eating too much food last night and he was thinking about not going to work today because the school didn't call. What would it be? A rainy day at home thinking about a paradigm shift. Better go workout.

Places I Don't Go Anymore

Billy was thinking of the places he didn't go to anymore and he thought of the Bronx. His old home, community and workplace. Why he felt that on a day when he wanted to go somewhere new was confusing. He was looking for fun yet wanted the familiar. He wanted to be in a warm blue ocean watching fish snorkeling a coral reef and be at the corner bodega getting a hot cup of coffee with hot milk and buttered roll. It was nonsense he thought. His feelings frozen resulting in no decision. He felt nothing about anyplace, he only wanted to have some fun. He didn't want to be disappointed. Why make plans for the future when he wanted fun right now. Not something to look forward to in the future.

The places he didn't go anymore seemed more attractive and the ones he didn't less attractive. Like a walk at the beach on Long Island. The boardwalk, if it still existed anymore after Hurricane Sandy. He remembered the summers spent with his grandparents at Long Beach or with his aunt and uncle in Far Rockaway. Maybe he was just being nostalgic for simpler times with family and the boys he hung out with. Nothing to do but hang out on the street, play ball, games, ride the waves at the beach and at night lose his money at the arcades.

Now decades later what would replace that? Europe? The Caribbean? Canada? The Far West? None of it seemed appealing because it was too much of a commitment in uncertain times; a short trip would be better.

He didn't want to to do any research, he just wanted to go and figure it out as he went. Too much planning killed the fun. Just get up and go. Billy couldn't decide between the places he didn't go to anymore or somewhere new. He needed fun and he wanted it now. All the joy seemed to be sucked out of him and that was what he couldn't feel now. It wasn't a lack of feelings just a lack of one feeling......fun.

Mindfulness Notes

1. Negative thoughts and feelings are seen as passing mental events rather than aspects of the self; observing, mindfulness, and avoidance of judgment are all derived from the study of Zen meditation.

2. Mindfulness is the nonjudgmental observation of the ongoing stream of internal and external stimuli as they arise.

3. Mindfulness meditation can bring about benefit through helping develop the ability to observe intense feelings in the body as 'bare sensation'. By maintaining a perspective, during periods of formal meditation, in which no mental event is accorded any content value, the strong "alarm reaction" typical of response to pain can lose its strength simply by being observed as separate. It is an attentional stance that appears to produce an "uncoupling" of the sensory component of the pain from the cognitive and affective
dimensions.

4. Mindful observation cultivated in meditation can "carry over" into the tasks of everyday life.

5. Relapse Prevention (Marlatt & Gordon, 1985, Marlatt 1994) for use in
drug dependency. Marlatt recognizes addiction as an inability to accept the present moment, with a persistent search for the next "high". Mindfulness is used as a technique to develop acceptance of the present moment and to cope with such urges (Marlatt,1994).

6. Acceptance and Commitment Therapy employs interventions closely akin to
mindfulness, in particular encouragement to experience thoughts and feelings as they arise, without judging or evaluating them (Kohlenberg, Hayes & Tsai, 1993)
Phenomena that enter the individual's awareness during mindfulness practice, such as perceptions, cognitions, emotions, or sensations, are observed carefully, but not evaluated as good or bad, true or false, healthy or sick, or important or trivial... ' (Baer 2003, p 125). Contained in this summation are references to two factors: (A) deliberately paying full attention to present experience, and (B) adopting a nonjudgmental attitude to that experience.

7. Kabat-Zinn views mindfulness as 'detached observation'. He considers that meditation can be defined as the intentional self-regulation of attention from moment to moment" (Kabat-Zinn 1982, p34). He argues that there are two main types of meditation practice, concentration meditation and mindfulness meditation. He considers that concentration meditation involves the "restriction of attention to a single point or object", whereas mindfulness meditation, whilst it "presupposes concentration to maintain steady attention... " nevertheless "emphasizes the detached observation, from one moment to the next, of a constantly changing field of objects". He states that this "flexibility is achieved by concentrating on one primary object (commonly the successive flow of in- breaths and out- breaths), until attention is relatively stable, and then allowing the field of objects of attention to expand (usually in stages) to include, ultimately, all physical and mental events... " By "detached observation" he means that the "objects of observation are intentionally regarded with an effort to avoid judgment or interpretation".

8. Kabat-Zinn views mindfulness as 'detached observation'. He considers that meditation can be defined as the intentional self-regulation of attention from moment to moment. By "detached observation" he means that the "objects of observation are intentionally regarded with an effort to avoid judgment or interpretation".

9. Linehan contrasts this with not being able to identify thoughts as thoughts and
external events as external events, confusing the two things. The third core mindfulness 'what' skill she sees as "the ability to participate without self-consciousness" by which she means "entering completely into the activities of the current moment, without separating oneself from ongoing events and interactions". She distinguishes mindful participation from 'mindless' participation, the latter being participation without paying
attention (Linehan, 1993, pp 144-147).

10. Linehan stresses the importance of the first 'how' skill, taking a nonjudgmental stance, for the person with borderline personality disorder, to overcome the extremes of emotions.

11. The conceptualization and assessment of mindfulness idealization and devaluation to which they can be prone. She emphasizes that DBT involves stressing the consideration of the consequences of behaviors and events, instead of judging them good or bad. With regard to the second 'how' skill she writes: "patients must be taught how to focus their attention on one task or activity at a time, engaging in it with alertness, awareness, and wakefulness'. The third 'how' skill, being effective, is concerned with doing what is actually needed in a situation, rather than what is 'right'.

12. Linehan's understanding of mindfulness includes the two factors that also describes the mindful state as one involving a 'shift in cognitive set involving "de-centering" or "dis-identification".

13. Instead of identifying personally with negative thoughts and feelings and emotions, patients relate to negative experiences as mental events in a wider context or field of awareness'.

14. 'Metacognitive awareness refers to the extent to which thoughts, for example, are experienced as thoughts (mental events) rather than as aspects of self or direct reflections of truth' (Teasdale el al., 2002. Teasdale's understanding of mindfulness involves several factors: attending to current experience (especially thoughts and feelings); being nonjudgmental about the contents of
experience; controlling attention intentionally; 'de-centering' or 'dis-identification'; and experiential processing of thoughts rather than rumination about their content. Within MBCT training other possible aspects of mindfulness are mentioned. Segal et at., describe the skills to be learned in MBCT as 'concentration'; 'awareness/mindfulness of thoughts, emotions/feelings, bodily sensations'; 'being in the moment'; 'de-centering; acceptance/non-aversion, non-attachment, kindly awareness'; 'letting go'; "being' rather than 'doing", ' non-goal attachment, no special state to be achieved'; 'bringing
awareness to the manifestation of a problem in the body'.

15. Brown and Ryan (2003) discuss the nature of mindfulness. They quote Nyanaponika's description of mindfulness as the "clear and single-minded awareness of what actually happens to us and in us at the successive moments of perception". They distinguish 'awareness' and 'attention' as complementary aspects of consciousness, each present in normal functioning. By 'awareness' they mean "the background 'radar' of consciousness, continually monitoring the inner and outer environment. One may be aware of stimuli without them being at the center of attention". By 'attention' they mean "a process of focussing conscious awareness, providing a heightened sensitivity. They continue: "In actuality, awareness and attention are intertwined, such that attention continually pulls 'figures' out of the 'ground' of awareness, holding them focally for varying lengths of time" (Brown & Ryan, 2003). They further write that "mindfulness can be considered an enhanced attention to and awareness of current experience or present reality. Specifically, a core characteristic of mindfulness has been described as open or receptive awareness and attention which may be reflected in a more regular or sustained consciousness of ongoing events and
experiences' (Brown & Ryan). Brown and Ryan contrast this with
"consciousness that is blunted or restricted in various ways. For example rumination, absorption in the past, or fantasies or anxieties about the future can pull away from what is taking place in the present. " They also contrast mindfulness with compulsive or automatic behavior, and with the defensively motivated refusal to acknowledge or attend to an aspect of internal or external experience.

16. They note that 'emotional intelligence' involves perceptual clarity and
 'emotional intelligence' involves perceptual clarity about one's emotions,
with receptivity to and interest in new experiences of the 'openness to experience' and new 'dimension of personality'.

17. Tibetan tradition, relates "Calm abiding as a state in which one sets one's mind on an object of observation... Setting the mind on the object is likened to tying an elephant to a post. The rope symbolizes mindfulness ... ; the post symbolizes the object of observation; the
elephant symbolizes one's mind... ". Tibetan tradition also refers to mindfulness as the antidote to 'forgetting the precept' or losing the chosen object of concentration. Thus here 'mindfulness' refers to continuous non-forgetfulness, with the function of inhibiting distractibility.

18. Kabat-Zinn describes practicing mindfulness focussed upon one's breathing until sufficient concentration is achieved so that a person can then focus on the flow of their thoughts. He refers in this context to the development of 'moment to moment awareness'.

Ten Jumping Jacks

Phew!  I couldn't do without it. What is that feeling? That thought? Where does it come from? Now contrast that to meditation.

Can I say, I couldn't do without that? No matter how much it pains me I still come back to exercise. But meditation? It doesn't pain me.

Thoughts during meditation? They float in and if I get stuck to an individual one then it becomes a narrative, written unassisted by my mind. I am unaware of creating it. It's in my head.  If I don't latch onto it and let it go another comes and so on. I either get stuck or let it go. Does the process stop? Can I just watch them pass without sticking on one to the point where I forget I'm meditating in the moment? I don't know, but I think it's the goal in meditation to let them pass and get to a point without thoughts. It takes persistence, practice and skill to let them go. Becoming the observer of the mind. Not getting carried away with a narrative but to remind myself to be present and not in the narrative.

It is suggested to label them as: thinking, worry or planning. Becoming mindful of them: Worry, worry, worry or thinking, thinking thinking. Planning seems to the biggest occupier now. Planning for the future and then worrying about it. Can we plan without worry? Worry is the emotion of fear. It then becomes physical as tension in the body and simple stress. Stress cannot help with planning.

Anxiety or stress leads to depression. Taking that one thought and letting it occupy the mind to the exclusion of anything else. One can even forget to eat. We then worry about worry. We worry why we can't fix the problem and so on.

When worry becomes anxiety then it hard to plan. My advice to self is to prioritize needs and plan how to meet goals. Meditate so one can think clearly. Exercise so that the body stays healthy and lessens anxiety; ridding the body of tension, but don't overdo it or it becomes punishment and pain. Which ironically leads to more worry about the body.

Oprah Didn't Die For Your Sins

Oprah didn't die for your sins the sign read. The man holding it on the street corner was ordinary looking enough, Billy thought as he was driving to the store for something to eat. He couldn't figure it out at first, was it a joke or lunacy? Just a laugh he decided. Pretty funny too! An idea some smart ass thought would bring a smile on to people this Friday morning. And it was a beautiful day. That end of summer pre-fall coolness in the air with a clear blue sky. Billy thought, yes it's a sign.....just that..... pointing to something he really was feeling. Not craziness but joy for no particular reason. Yeah! Why joy and not the usual numbness and gloominess today? Very different than the usual crap when even doing right felt wrong. Why today? Why even think about it? It actually felt good. Just enjoy it!

Then he wanted to share it. Where did that come from? Go on Facebook and post something to spread that good feeling. Take his picture and post that. Just as the man holding the sign was doing. Then folks could see just how much of a smart ass he was or decide he was a mere fool too. Maybe that was all social media was. A crazy person on the street corner holding up a sign with some prophetic saying. People have this need to share. Part of a community. So communicate.

Fuck it, just turn up the radio and play some good old rock and roll. Or park the car, get out and walk. Just smile at people. Breathe all that good fresh air. Be one with nature. Just be happy! For a moment, before the doom and gloom of reality set in. How long can this feeling last? The more Billy thought like this the more this joyous mood began to slip away. Now his mind latched onto that like a fishing hook snagged to a rock. That became the beginning of the end.

But wait he thought! Stop! Let it go. Push those down-turned lips into a smile. Don't think, don't ask why, just enjoy. Let it be! You see, Oprah didn't die for your sins.

Anti-lock, Pirate, and Fiddlehead

The events of the past two months have thrown Billy into a tail-spin. Just a bomb drop of thoughts descending to earth like a blanket bombing in those Viet Nam documentaries on the History Channel. It's like his brain has hit a shit storm of bad weather and those anti-lock brakes aren't kicking in, his brain spinning left, right, straight and right off into that big Twilight Zone swamp of mud and fiddleheads just off to the side of reality. He can almost hear the Rod Serling voiceover!

Billy thinks he's losing it. A pirate has boarded his brain and he's in panic mode. He's gotta talk to somebody. His wife? Well she's along for the ride too and getting stuck in the fiddlehead swamp too. Talking irrationally to each other will make it worse, Billy thinks.

"Listen, Margaret I know you want things to be different but that ain't happening", Billy says.

"Yeah, you don't get it do you? Things are shit. I'm living in hell and I just want to die." Margaret says.

"I do get it", he responds.

"Do you? You know the pain and suffering I'm going through? How can you sit there not doing anything and say you know what I'm going through?", Margaret starts getting louder. Angrily says, "you don't tell me what I'm going through you've no idea".

Billy thought there's just no way to make sense here. They're both spinning out of control. Trying to get control makes it worse. Why can't he accept it? But his brain seizes up again. He's stuck in a death spiral. The anti-lock brakes fail to self-correct. And so it goes. Two people who in normal times are the best of friends. A nice comfy quiet ride with some rough patches but those anti-lock brakes fire up automatically and it's a pleasant drive again. But now this ain't normal times, Billy thinks. It's the perfect storm of disasters, the pirates have invaded his brain, it's out of control. His brain is firing in overdrive and it ain't stopping. The storm is raging, more to come. We're headed for the damn swamp!

Gold Ballet Shoes and a Deciduous Tree

WTF is this about. Gold ballet shoes and a deciduous tree. A tree that loses it's leaves in the Fall. As in the fall of man or leaves. Maybe thats what happened to me. Like narcissus I thought I could cheat death, do what I damn well pleased, bought some gold ballet shoes being that gold sneakers are all the rage now and dance my way through life.

Wouldn't it be nice to have them shoes. Almost a fairy tale too. What would the the lesson be about. Don't get too hung up in shit, life's a dance? Go as fast as can? Nasty shit could happen. Probably. So go with the flow. Bring it on and various other Zen stuff cause shit definitely happens. You could be looking at TV turn to get something and throw your back out. Walk down the street and bam some young punk sucker punches you in the head.

So life is random. If you get curious, want to have some fun well put on your gold ballet shoes take a walk and watch the leaves drop from a deciduous tree. Unless of course instead of the leaves it's the tree that falls on you. Then you will have to hang up those gold ballet shoes for a long time. How many seasons do you have to wait? Time will pass and the leaves will drop, the snow will fall and spring will come. The deciduous trees will bud and grow and in the Fall will drop again. By then maybe you can put on your gold ballet shoes and really do a dance. Be happy your alive and didn't get crushed by that damn tree.

So you have to wonder if I had just paused for a moment on my walk for any thing that day, the damn tree might have missed me. But truthfully, that fucking tree was falling anyhow, When I went for a walk there was nothing I could do about it. Bam!

Antsy

Antsy the Moose

This is the story of Antsy. He may sound like an ant but in fact he is a moose. Not the organizational type, he prefers to walk around, eat and watch the world go by none too ambitious perhaps relative to his size. What does Antsy want you may wonder? Just to hang out and have goofy eyed people wonder at his size and antlers? Perhaps...most people are afraid but he really is no meanie. Most folk just leave him be. The one thing to watch out for is cars and trucks.

One day Antsy was at the park eating some grass minding his own business when a bicyclist on the bikeway crashed into a tree cause he couldn't keep his eyes off Antsy and forgot to watch the road. Bang into the tree. Antsy looked up bored with human behavior. Why do folks think I am so alarming? They should be more alarmed at their dumb ways Antsy thought.

Now the bicyclist was standing up and checking himself out for injuries which were none and to his bike Antsy couldn't tell. But the rider was starting to curse at him and calling him all sorts of names. Yes, he was angry and blamed Antsy for everything. The usual foolishness of humans, Antsy thought. Can't accept responsibility for their actions......so blame the big old moose.

Antsy went back to eating and the bike rider went on cursing as he got on his bike and rode away. The moral of the story: watch where you're going!