Which Wolf to Feed

 Is there anything learned?

Do we feed the dark or light wolf? "Both", said Billy, "fear is a side-effect for living in the hurly-burly chaotic noise surrounding  us'. 

"Acceptance not shame for feeling the dark side", he explained, "being comfortable and at rest with the dark wolf we feed it rather than the ceaseless thoughts of anxiety". 

"The Light Wolf also needs our attention and provides help with medicines, with practitioner stories of the psychological and philosophical arts". 

He went on to say, "All helpful, but too much light burns us out with its noise and relentless calls for happiness asking us to turn away from ourselves. Feed the Light Wolf with self understanding and self knowledge ". 

 Is There Anything Else You'd like to Ask Me?

Yes Billy said, "my stomach hurts, I feel light headed at times, blood pressure was 117/70, my body aches: hands, hips and teeth bother me. Is exercising helping? Does medication work? Does that about do it Doctor?"

The Doctor grimaced and looked thoughtful. What happened next? Stay tuned! 

Is There Anything Else You'd Like to Tell Me

Billy asked himself, ''is there anything that holds my mental and physical scars that is unscarred?''

Wherever you go, there you are, he once read. Billy couldn't run away from his problems anymore than he could run away from himself. Consciousness is a prior condition that gets papered over by identification with thoughts, we are always here whether or not we know it. Billy often failed to take notice or take responsibility for his own health or well being. He got so absorbed with negative thoughts, instead of being here now, noticing the present moment with its challenges, instead of using them to transform himself. He thought if he was somewhere else or on vacation thoughts would go away too. Unlikely he told himself. If he can sit, be with himself simply, quietly, he thought perhaps he could heal, this moment, wherever or whatever the situation, certainly not running away. 

So perhaps the answer to all the above is meditation, attentive to the moment of my ordinary life, he told himself.  

🌀

Anger

Billy got into a disagreement with the guy who managed the gym. The guy didn't believe Billy's complaint and was rudely dismissive. 

Billy got impulsively mad and said angrily, "Look buddy, you don't believe me? How about a picture I took of the problem? 

He looked at his cell picture and responded. "Oh!"

I'll get my guys to fix it put in his earbuds, he turned away to resume his workout, started humming to the inaudible music. Left hanging without an acknowledgement of the guys impulsive oblivious response Billy kept thinking. Not why but let it go, it's a thought so fall back to the prior state of mind. Watch it unravel and replaced with other thoughts and sensations. 

So rude and so what? Why hold onto the image and events of the past? He's a piece of trash. 

Let it go, breathe and calm down, Billy thought. Be present.

Lessons learned for more skillful interactions with strangers: approach with caution. presencent awareness and go slowly, pause after a diplomatic inquiry and paraphrase their response. 

 Today is a walk day, Billy thought.

And so he did.

Now and then a thought popped into this head and he tried giving up the struggle of paying attention to them.  

He also bumped into Wally, the guy who told me he had double knee replacement surgery last year but now says no, he just had one knee replaced . Is it a story to use a Disabled Parking Pass? Seems like bullshit to me.

Fuck trusting in statements from strangers, Billy thought.

Where is the thinker? Attention? Choice in what we pay attention to? Sad or happy thoughts?

Put aside the struggle of past and future thoughts. Be present and fuck him.

 

The Puzzle

"See that girl over there?", Billy asked the aide. The one in the red shirt making all that noise with her feet. "What is she doing?" the aide replied. Billy shrugged, probably something at home or last period or whatever, he thought. Billy went over to her desk. Got in her space to see if that would work. Nope. She was still banging on the floor with her feet. Billy told her to stop. She looked up and did. "Try to do your work. You need any help?" No response, so Billy walked to the front of the room and sat down. He watched over the kids working. How much longer to the period? he looked at his watch. Some kids didn't realize what they were doing. they just needed a reminder that they were in class. At least this one did. Each kid was different. What worked for one kid, didn't for the other. They got so screwed up and there wasn't a clue, specially when he was substitute teacher and didn't know them. He just had to watch them and keep them calm. Breathe, he told himself and calm yourself down too. What ever it was, would pass too. Like when he worked out too hard and hurt himself, then started to panic that he did irrevocable damage to his back. And then the chatter in his head would spiral out of control and he would lose awareness of thinking. He would shoot from one thought to the other and just get more panicky.

He'd take a clonazapam to calm down, with two ibuprofen and lots of water. He'd ask himself why it felt like he was punishing himself by working out so hard. It was the result. The feeling good afterwards. He'd get on a roll and forget the past incidents of pain that would repeat itself.

He had to take a break, two days at least. But what would he do instead? It was becoming an obsession. He would walk if he could, outside or in. Go slow. But that hardy worked; he wondered if he wanted to hurt himself. Some anxiety he was struggling with? The workout stopped the anxiety, but the hurt really brought it on. It was a puzzle. Think rationally this to will pass.

Take A Break

Billy has a headache. Must be the end of the world since it was raining all day and his plans to be outside had changed. An altogether rotten day because he was now stuck for something to do. Billy thought he must be rotten too, unable to do anything productive. He was starting to feel miserable and depressed. Why?

Misconceptions, assuming, inferring, guessing, supposing, interpreting, projecting, speculating, deducing, extrapolating, presuming, conjecturing, attributing, hypothesizing, divining and reading between the lines.

Living in an imperfect world insisting that things ought to go smoothly, that mishap must not occur, that the sun must always shine, and that the people in our lives need to behave, as we have told them to?  Billy knew this was irrational. Just the same, he felt that he needed an answer to why he felt so shitty and this too, was also making him feel miserable.

Finally, he realized it was just a lack of imagination, about the present and too much imagination about the past. Allowing himself to feel useless and personalize a rainy day, when in fact, it was simply raining was extrapolation and reading between the lines.

Therefore, it was time to take a break from the mental diarrhea and begin to do some writing.