"See that girl over there?", Billy asked the aide. The one in the red shirt making all that noise with her feet. "What is she doing?" the aide replied. Billy shrugged, probably something at home or last period or whatever, he thought. Billy went over to her desk. Got in her space to see if that would work. Nope. She was still banging on the floor with her feet. Billy told her to stop. She looked up and did. "Try to do your work. You need any help?" No response, so Billy walked to the front of the room and sat down. He watched over the kids working. How much longer to the period? he looked at his watch. Some kids didn't realize what they were doing. they just needed a reminder that they were in class. At least this one did. Each kid was different. What worked for one kid, didn't for the other. They got so screwed up and there wasn't a clue, specially when he was substitute teacher and didn't know them. He just had to watch them and keep them calm. Breathe, he told himself and calm yourself down too. What ever it was, would pass too. Like when he worked out too hard and hurt himself, then started to panic that he did irrevocable damage to his back. And then the chatter in his head would spiral out of control and he would lose awareness of thinking. He would shoot from one thought to the other and just get more panicky.
He'd take a clonazapam to calm down, with two ibuprofen and lots of water. He'd ask himself why it felt like he was punishing himself by working out so hard. It was the result. The feeling good afterwards. He'd get on a roll and forget the past incidents of pain that would repeat itself.
He had to take a break, two days at least. But what would he do instead? It was becoming an obsession. He would walk if he could, outside or in. Go slow. But that hardy worked; he wondered if he wanted to hurt himself. Some anxiety he was struggling with? The workout stopped the anxiety, but the hurt really brought it on. It was a puzzle. Think rationally this to will pass.
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