Exercise in Anxiety

 List five fears; leave two for what can be learned in future.

1. Dying. Getting sick. Pain. Hospitals.

2. Being humiliated in public. Loss of self. Worry. 

3. Rats

4. Sadists and Bullies

5. Getting hit by a car

6.?

7.?

Volition and Capacity to Smile

Today's a good day to start liking myself. Breathing out the bad vibes and liking myself. 

The Formative Primacy of Time

We exist unknowingly over long arcs of time like a fish in water obscured in our everyday selves. As Proust said, 

‘I felt....a sense of weariness and almost terror at the thought that all this length of time had...without interruption, been lived, experienced, secreted by me, that it was my life, was in fact me...

----In Search of Lost Time 

How uncomfortably did I fit into my early years? With some effort. It took some effort. My parents and family. Fast forward to today. How do I fit into my world now?

With reservations and questions. Politics and people making rules or undoing them. Glued to their phones inward looking. 

PT

 I had this wonderful feeling upon waking that it was a glorious day. It waned when I had coffee out, but then returned.

Now after Doc visit and lunch I feel antsy perhaps bored. I would definitely like to do something. Go to the City? Upstate? 

Anyhow I saw Dr Rahman for PT script and he suggested a lateral meniscus injury in addition to back. Waiting on PT appointment in 90 minutes. My head feels full and took two Advil.

Where could I go? And why? 

New Day

Today at the park; walking dogs and people. Geese in many separate flocks. People feeding wildlife although prohibited. 'People don't care', a passerby said. I agree. 

Feeling tightness across my chest, back, neck and ribs. Left knee pain to boot. Well at least the drugs help with motivation and a diversion from pain. Starting PT soon if all goes well.

Why do I feel shitty and depressed? The 'hidden emotion technique'---- I had to shop. Maybe get Covid from Jeff and therefore 'should' stock up. 'What if's', popping up out of nowhere. Effortless awareness as an antidote. Be present and awareness of breathing. Try writing too. 

This weepy feeling is saddening. Unhide the ‘hidden-emotion’. 

Anger, frustration, self judgment. Self-consciousness too. Without effort see what’s here, be open to essential experiences without judgement. Nobody is looking. Relax too---without effort---- hahaha!

Today:

1. Shop, walk, talk, meditate, coffee out, nature. Lunch at home. Journaling. 

2. Later cook dinner and Qi Gong.

When Morning Doves Sang

The Rot Versus the Quiet

The day came and went. 

Feeling good plans made projects completed,

almost anyhow as normal. 

Moment to moment.

Craziness and Rot

 Settling in to the soreness and mental anguish Billy rested. He overdid it at the gym which he occasionally did when his brain went offline. Unaware and trying to change a mood to feel good, it worked then, but now it felt like shit. Meditating he relaxed into breathing tryin to ease up the muscles in his back and hips. It worked too. How easy to change a mood by looking for the thinker: thoughts, feelings, sensations came and went. Rest was needed. Calm acceptance of now. Be here now. Clouds passing above held by the blue sky. Waves lapping at the dock. Boats passing the wake of others. Observe, be aware, vigilant and alert.

Which Wolf to Feed

 Is there anything learned?

Do we feed the dark or light wolf? "Both", said Billy, "fear is a side-effect for living in the hurly-burly chaotic noise surrounding  us'. 

"Acceptance not shame for feeling the dark side", he explained, "being comfortable and at rest with the dark wolf we feed it rather than the ceaseless thoughts of anxiety". 

"The Light Wolf also needs our attention and provides help with medicines, with practitioner stories of the psychological and philosophical arts". 

He went on to say, "All helpful, but too much light burns us out with its noise and relentless calls for happiness asking us to turn away from ourselves. Feed the Light Wolf with self understanding and self knowledge ". 

 Is There Anything Else You'd like to Ask Me?

Yes Billy said, "my stomach hurts, I feel light headed at times, blood pressure was 117/70, my body aches: hands, hips and teeth bother me. Is exercising helping? Does medication work? Does that about do it Doctor?"

The Doctor grimaced and looked thoughtful. What happened next? Stay tuned! 

Is There Anything Else You'd Like to Tell Me

Billy asked himself, ''is there anything that holds my mental and physical scars that is unscarred?''

Wherever you go, there you are, he once read. Billy couldn't run away from his problems anymore than he could run away from himself. Consciousness is a prior condition that gets papered over by identification with thoughts, we are always here whether or not we know it. Billy often failed to take notice or take responsibility for his own health or well being. He got so absorbed with negative thoughts, instead of being here now, noticing the present moment with its challenges, instead of using them to transform himself. He thought if he was somewhere else or on vacation thoughts would go away too. Unlikely he told himself. If he can sit, be with himself simply, quietly, he thought perhaps he could heal, this moment, wherever or whatever the situation, certainly not running away. 

So perhaps the answer to all the above is meditation, attentive to the moment of my ordinary life, he told himself.  

🌀

Anger

Billy got into a disagreement with the guy who managed the gym. The guy didn't believe Billy's complaint and was rudely dismissive. 

Billy got impulsively mad and said angrily, "Look buddy, you don't believe me? How about a picture I took of the problem? 

He looked at his cell picture and responded. "Oh!"

I'll get my guys to fix it put in his earbuds, he turned away to resume his workout, started humming to the inaudible music. Left hanging without an acknowledgement of the guys impulsive oblivious response Billy kept thinking. Not why but let it go, it's a thought so fall back to the prior state of mind. Watch it unravel and replaced with other thoughts and sensations. 

So rude and so what? Why hold onto the image and events of the past? He's a piece of trash. 

Let it go, breathe and calm down, Billy thought. Be present.

Lessons learned for more skillful interactions with strangers: approach with caution. presencent awareness and go slowly, pause after a diplomatic inquiry and paraphrase their response. 

 Today is a walk day, Billy thought.

And so he did.

Now and then a thought popped into this head and he tried giving up the struggle of paying attention to them.  

He also bumped into Wally, the guy who told me he had double knee replacement surgery last year but now says no, he just had one knee replaced . Is it a story to use a Disabled Parking Pass? Seems like bullshit to me.

Fuck trusting in statements from strangers, Billy thought.

Where is the thinker? Attention? Choice in what we pay attention to? Sad or happy thoughts?

Put aside the struggle of past and future thoughts. Be present and fuck him.