Exercise in Anxiety

 List five fears; leave two for what can be learned in future.

1. Dying. Getting sick. Pain. Hospitals.

2. Being humiliated in public. Loss of self. Worry. 

3. Rats

4. Sadists and Bullies

5. Getting hit by a car

6.?

7.?

Volition and Capacity to Smile

Today's a good day to start liking myself. Breathing out the bad vibes and liking myself. 

The Formative Primacy of Time

We exist unknowingly over long arcs of time like a fish in water obscured in our everyday selves. As Proust said, 

‘I felt....a sense of weariness and almost terror at the thought that all this length of time had...without interruption, been lived, experienced, secreted by me, that it was my life, was in fact me...

----In Search of Lost Time 

How uncomfortably did I fit into my early years? With some effort. It took some effort. My parents and family. Fast forward to today. How do I fit into my world now?

With reservations and questions. Politics and people making rules or undoing them. Glued to their phones inward looking. 

PT

 I had this wonderful feeling upon waking that it was a glorious day. It waned when I had coffee out, but then returned.

Now after Doc visit and lunch I feel antsy perhaps bored. I would definitely like to do something. Go to the City? Upstate? 

Anyhow I saw Dr Rahman for PT script and he suggested a lateral meniscus injury in addition to back. Waiting on PT appointment in 90 minutes. My head feels full and took two Advil.

Where could I go? And why? 

New Day

Today at the park; walking dogs and people. Geese in many separate flocks. People feeding wildlife although prohibited. 'People don't care', a passerby said. I agree. 

Feeling tightness across my chest, back, neck and ribs. Left knee pain to boot. Well at least the drugs help with motivation and a diversion from pain. Starting PT soon if all goes well.

Why do I feel shitty and depressed? The 'hidden emotion technique'---- I had to shop. Maybe get Covid from Jeff and therefore 'should' stock up. 'What if's', popping up out of nowhere. Effortless awareness as an antidote. Be present and awareness of breathing. Try writing too. 

This weepy feeling is saddening. Unhide the ‘hidden-emotion’. 

Anger, frustration, self judgment. Self-consciousness too. Without effort see what’s here, be open to essential experiences without judgement. Nobody is looking. Relax too---without effort---- hahaha!

Today:

1. Shop, walk, talk, meditate, coffee out, nature. Lunch at home. Journaling. 

2. Later cook dinner and Qi Gong.

When Morning Doves Sang

The Rot Versus the Quiet

The day came and went. 

Feeling good plans made projects completed,

almost anyhow as normal. 

Moment to moment.

Craziness and Rot

 Settling in to the soreness and mental anguish Billy rested. He overdid it at the gym which he occasionally did when his brain went offline. Unaware and trying to change a mood to feel good, it worked then, but now it felt like shit. Meditating he relaxed into breathing tryin to ease up the muscles in his back and hips. It worked too. How easy to change a mood by looking for the thinker: thoughts, feelings, sensations came and went. Rest was needed. Calm acceptance of now. Be here now. Clouds passing above held by the blue sky. Waves lapping at the dock. Boats passing the wake of others. Observe, be aware, vigilant and alert.